Father's Day

...from Lieutenant Steve Rose, Sandy Springs Police (a very funny cop)

Father’s Day is again upon us.

In all honesty, it is not regarded as critical as Mother’s Day or Valentine’s Day. Mother’s Day is the top of the sin list should you miss it. No one will sympathize with you regardless of how drastic your story is as to why you missed it.

Among the reasons you should not miss Mother’s Day are:
a. 365 days of guilt to look forward to.
b. Weekly phone conversations with your mom where she slips into the conversation: “Oh that’s right, you forgot to call me on Mother’s Day. Your brother and sister called me—twice.”
c. Mothers can summon up bolts of lightning at will.

If you miss Valentine’s Day, well guys, I guess you all know the punishment for that. I don’t need to be specific.

Father’s Day is said to have been created to “compliment” Mother’s Day, meaning we were behind the curve to begin with. Father’s Day celebrates fatherhood, (the easy part) and male parenting, (the hard part, also known as why we drink.)

The first observance of Father's Day is believed to have been held on June 19, 1910 through the efforts of Sonora Smart Dodd of Spokane, Washington. After listening to a church sermon about the newly recognized Mother's Day, Dodd felt strongly that fatherhood needed recognition, as well. She approached her father one afternoon as he worked on the family’s horseless buggy and told him: “Father, I proclaim this day Father’s Day! Each year on this day I will honor you with a gift and a corny greeting card.” With that, she gave him a half-inch socket wrench. He took the gift, kissed his daughter on the forehead, looked at his gift and fondly said to his daughter: “What the hell is a socket wrench?”

For me, Father’s Day is “New Tool” Day. I own many but dads can never have too many tools. I don’t use them all the time but sometimes you need to own them just to have them on display in the case you host a couple’s shower. You’ve got to inject a little guy stuff into a couple’s shower or the man will suffer a drastic loss of testosterone and die within minutes.

If you do host a couple’s shower, you’re obligated by law to give the guys a tour of the basement where you gather in the work room. If you have a basement bar, gather there and talk about football to ward off the initial shock of having to attend a couple’s shower. Then, when it’s safe, move to the work room. (If you don’t have a work room. Stop reading now because none of this will do you any good.)

“And this is the tool room. Check out that 750 gallon air compressor over there! I can blow my leaves two houses over and never leave the room!”

“Hey guys? Can you come back upstairs? We’re about to start playing really cute couple’s showers games.”

“Quick! Grab the miter saw. Make a few cuts in that piece of crown molding and then put these lag bolts in your pocket! If she tries to get you to open the pink bag, pull the lag bolts out and hold them in front of you. It will form a protective shield giving you time to run.”

I can’t imagine Father’s Day without the ceremonial Giving of the Tool. That’s why Father’s Day is so easy. You don’t have to think. Just go to the super-sized hardware store and pick an aisle. Then, buy stuff.
It doesn’t need to be stuff that he needs. Even if he doesn’t need it, he’ll have in case he does need it someday. I have a six-foot long crescent wrench just in case someone’s earth-mover breaks down in front of my house.

Sure, you can go with the always-easy gift card but let’s say you’re one of four siblings. It’s perfectly fine to get the gift card but why not finish in first place among the other rug-rats by presenting the gift card in a 72" Extreme Tool Box 17 Drawer Triple Bank Professional Tool Cabinet? Sure, they’re priced at just over three-thousand bucks but dad will love it! Don’t forget. There’s going to be a will someday.

Well, if tools aren’t the thing for dad, and I can’t imagine why it wouldn’t be, then why not buy the same old golf-shirt-with-the-pocket gift you got him for the last seven years?
I’ll tell you why!
HE WANTS TOOLS THAT’S WHY!!

Can you imagine what your father will be able to say next week at the 4:30 “early-bird dinner” when your mother and father sit down with the Petersons and Mrs. Peterson says: “Melvin just got his Father’s Day gift from Melvin, Jr. It’s a nice golf shirt with a pocket in it. See? Melvin! Sit up and let them see the shirt!

Your dad: “Really Melvin? That’s nice. Gee, what did I get?
I’ll tell you what I got Melvin!! I got a 72" Extreme Tool Box 17 Drawer Triple Bank Professional Tool Cabinet. That baby has 43,500 cubic inches of space holding seventeen roller-bearing drawers which are able to hold up to 600 pounds of weight—all secured by the state-of-the-art tubular coated locking system—yes! I said tubular coated locking system because it’s complicated! I don’t know what that means but anything with the word “tubular” in it must mean business!!!”

“Oh yes, I’ll have the salmon.”

Happy Father’s Day you dads out there!