13 hours and 10 Minutes in the Life of an ADD Redneck Software Sales Guy in a Recession

Tragically, this is non-fiction.

12:10 PM – all is going well until I check account balance and notice one of the 4 son’s has breached bank security and ordered iTunes movies, music, new phone, fishing equipment over last 60 days with dad’s card.
12:12 – cancel ATM card, order new one

1:05 – Left home office with wife and #2 son who was leaving for Army basic training. Needed to be at recruiter at 1:30
1:15 – Jeep dies en route with cooling system leak that was supposed to have been fixed (software sales pro should stick to fixing software vs. cars), future soldier blew engine in mom’s car the prior week
1:20 - Call #1 son to pick us up and rush to the crew to the recruiting station.
1:45 – Drop # 2 son off and wait for him to complete his PT test
1:50 – TO Starbucks with wife and #1 son, grab coffee and field con-call
2:30 – Young soldier passed PT at highest level and elevated himself to E3 pay grade upon completion of basic and AIT
2:35 – Young soldier wants Wendy’s bacon deluxe and a can of dip…take him to procure same
3:05 – Drop him back off at recruiting station, tearful goodbye with mom, head back to house
3:25 – Assuming overheated Jeep has cooled, will pick up and drive 1.5 miles to house
3:25 – Pull over after losing power at .75 miles from journey’s end point
3:35 – Arrive home – back to work
5:20 - #1 son takes #3 son to football practice.
5:35 – After dropping of the football player, #1 is pulled over, and upon inspection is found to be without a valid license.
6:05 – Responding officer was later identified as 1 of 4 from a force of 160 that would actually jail a kid for no license and tow his car.
6:15 #1 son finally convinces above referenced prick to call us, debrief the situation and let us know we could pick #3 up at practice.
Level – Set: We’re now out of cars at our house.
7:30 – Family friend Tricia gets #3 from football and # 4 at baseball and returns them to the house.
9:20 – #1 son is processed and calls home. After recounting the exact conversation where I signed the title over to him on the vehicle and explained liability coverage and how important it was. How your life could be ruined, forced into bankruptcy…then I fought back the temptation to say, “Screw you moron, I told you to get this done and you blew it off now spend the night in jail.” As a father I knew it wasn’t the day to do that. I told him that I would see what I could do, but that it was already late.
9:21 – Realize I had just cancelled the ATM (see first item of this chronological listing) and had no access to cash.
9:28 – Call bail bond woman and negotiate terms. OK, I listened to her dictate terms. Bail was reduced by $700 because #1 son (technically adept) was able to correct jail computer browser issue. Jailer commented, “We don’t get to many young sober white kids in here, you know anything about computers?” That was to be the only break we got that day.
9:44 – Call my CEO who is on the way home from a meeting, he graciously insists I have to get #1 out so he drives by the ATM securing bail from his personal account.
9:46 – Call best friend who’s wife just picked up #3 and he brings me by his Expedition to use, but warns me, “Might have a battery problem, but it seems fine now.”
10:00 – Meet CEO at a fruit stand and collect an envelope of cash. He comments while chuckling, “Seems like a dope deal or something.” I clarify, “No dope involved or I would have needed another $400 or so.”
10:04 – I leave for the jail, realize I don’t have directions and then in the same instant remember I know where it is already. Also remember feeling not proud at that moment.
10:25 – Bail bondswoman calls – caught in traffic.
10:45 - Sherri (bail bondswoman) calls again, on her way – should be 10 mins.
10:46 - Cell phone battery low, run to car because friend has a Treo too and plug in my phone. Recalling comment about the battery from my buddy, I decided to start the car for awhile. Too late…it clicked a few times…the battery was too low to crank the engine.
10:49 – Walked back in, told receptionist I needed a jump. Jailer was still enamored with his expanded browser capabilities from #1 son’s work, so he had one of the deputies drive the paddy wagon around front: Yes, I got a jump from a paddy wagon.
11:05 – Sherri pulls up as I am locking keys in with the keyless entry door pad on the Ford truck (close friend’s car so I knew the code). Figured I’d leave the car running to charge the battery while charging phone.
11:07 – Walk inside and conduct bail transactional process with Sherri.
11:24 – Spring #1 son and walk back out leave, find that the problem was not the battery and that the idling vehicles alternator was pushing zero volts to charge while the expansive electronics in the Expedition sucked every remaining ounce of power. As the realization of my situation sunk in, I continued to try and operate the now inoperable keyless entry pad. All the while looking at the keys and my phone locked in the car.
11:27 – As Sherri walked out to her vehicle, the idling truck stopped running all together. She looked for jumper cables while I realize that is the alternator, and that the battery can’t be accessed because the hood release is in the car with my flippin’ phone and the keys.
11:30 – I thank Sherri, who drives off into the summer night with my CEO’s cash.
11:31 – I explain to #1 son that I need a moment, and sit in the front lawn of the jail to quietly reflect upon the events of the day. I have already decided that the tantrum I wanted to have may not play that well on the surveillance cameras in the dispatcher’s office. While I am assessing the situation, #1 son informs me that #2 son had written his name on the ceiling of the same cell he was in. What a coincidence! Again, I settle back into the role of proud parent.
11:35 – Walked inside and called truck’s owner, refusing his offer to come get us as I knew he drove all day from FSU to Atlanta.
11:37 – Called a cab and the dispatcher there gave us a 20 min. ETA.

12:05 AM – Called cab company again…he is 10 mins. away.
12:25 – Now out on Buford Hwy trying to hail a cab.
!2:47 – Cab finally shows up 50 mins. late.

1:15 – Arrive home, manufacture a vodka and ice, and fall asleep on the couch wondering what happened to the really cool life I had before my kids became teenagers.